Wednesday, May 19, 2010

And every time I've held a rose, it seems I've only felt the thorns. And so it goes, and so it goes. And so will you soon... I suppose!

HOLY CRAPOLA Batman!!! Eric "Crippled Pony" Evans is making his second blog entry in... LESS THAN 1 MONTH! That's right kids. 1 freakin' day! Uncle Eric is holding his promise up. Speaking of which (the Uncle part); my youngest niece, who is 1 and a half years old... recently learned to say one of her first words. 1st of all, I guarontee she does not remember ever seeing me. She was circa 1 year old last time she did! Anyways, I guess she walks up to the family picture on mis Padres living room floor and points to me, then she says "Ek". UNCLE ERIC LOVES YOU; AVERY HAZEL EVANS! Not only is she trying to say my name, but she has recognition of who I am. I am so stoked to see the whole fam. for the first time in 5 months or so in about a week when I travel a mis Padres casa bonita. Fuschnickens, I bet that will really be one of the best gifts I'll be given! Well, I gots to run. Word up to my peeps! Keep it real Homies. Suckas. I be seein' you later. Best of luck in all!
Eric "Limping Shetland" Eug. Evans
(Shellie... that "Eug." was dedicated to your meznememory. Not that you're dead or anything! Just......... respect. That's all, respect)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The light in the window is a crack in the sky. It's married to darkness in the blink of an eye.

Ding dong. The witch is dead! But Eric is not ANYMORE!!!
So here we go again... as we approach the month and week of both Eric's b-day AND his d-day! June 1st, and June 7th. Cue the "Hallellughliah Chorus"!
Now cue "No More Tears".

Now take a nap!

THIS YEAR... Mis Padres are sending moi to "The City Of My Double Chin" to see a show entitled "Jersey Boys" about Frankie Vallie And The Four Seasons AND to view and partake of the splendour of Bourbon Street, (Respects... Ffarouch Bulsara. Respects forever... even though I PERSONALLY have NEVER killed a man, I oft times wish I'd never been hit by a truck at all.)(excerpt from "Stallion's Rhapsody"), AND to gain NO MORE than a few ounces at NO LESS than a few buffetts. I have placed a cap on my wieght gain limit. If I top 30 pounds... I'll be plumb torqued! Give me some room people, it IS my birthday (and I WILL have cheesecake of some sort on my d-day!) But hey, it's all good; I have recently ascertained Doctor's permission to start riding my newly ascertained excersize bike in my room! What's that? This bike is foreign to ya'll? I guess that's what happens when you blog quarterly. Crapola. Ah well 'tis what 'tis. So here we go with the latest chaznapter in Eric's Book Of Maladies; chapter 1, verse 3:

In the end of February, earlier this year, I was given a grant from the Chrysalis Corp. to purchase an excersize bike to further my "de-fat-inazation" of my chubstah self. So I ordered the bike. Prior to that, I had a surgery on my foot in January and so was confined to a wheelchair for three months (DAMN!) The bike was on back-order, SO WHILST STILL IN A WHEELCHAIR; I received the bike! Three weeks after I got my bike, I fell out of my wheel chair and shattered a vertebrate in my lower back! (fire up the chorus again!) THEN... two weeks after that happened I was standing doing my dishes and watching V to the h to the 1. Our dishwasher door, WHICH IS SERIOUSLY NEVER LEFT OPEN, was open! I didn't take my eyes off of watching clips of Robert Van Winkle (Vanilla Ice) make a royal fool of himself with THE GROSS MAJORITY of the rest of ALL of the seasons of The Surreal Life in a special. I turned to my left and walked directly into the door Then I used the word bequeath wrong and the Savior of Vocabulary, THE Quinnstah P. Lavender, corrected me. Then I cried myself to sleep on my huuge pilla! ALL true except for the vocab. thing with the crying. (that was another time!) I plummetted head first into the wall in our kitchen and BROKE MY FRICKIN' NECK! Cue that chorus once again! (I wish that I could honestly say ONCE, but I know my own history too well! A man can dare to dream though.) So, what it all comes down to is that; at this point I look like Robocop for like 5 or 6 more weeks.

1 good... POSITIVE factor?...

Pitty points de las mujeres en Las Vegas!

Mas manana,
Eric Breaking Stallion Evans

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Every time that I look in the mirror; all these lines in my face gettin' clearer. You know it's true... all the things, come back to you!

It has been a long time! I do apoligise...I get so wrapped up in life and this just got buried. For YEARS of this second "life" which I have been given, I ne'er thought it to be possible for me to be interested in anything enough to forget doing a thing like this for so long! But alas, how times have changed!!! I just got a sweet ecsersize bike in my room and my foot was cleared last week by my foot surgeon to use it again! Oh yes; for those of you who don't know... I broke my foot, and my back, and my neck. Okay... that last part was crap, but the first two were true! (And, quite painful.) After my foot surgery and to assist with the healing of my broken lower vertebrate, I was in a wheelchair for another two months and a foot brace for two more! YES!!! How I have come to adore assistive devices. Wheel-chairs, canes, wieght-belts, diapers, prosthetic elbows! (Once again, I have TRUTHFULLY had the pleasure of experiencing all of those... EXCEPT FOR THE LAST ONE!) But, as The Reverend John Michael Osbourne once said... "No more tears!" I s'pose I shan't complain! I recently ascertained news that for my birthday gala this fine year... Mis Padres buenos will be sending me to Las Veznegas to see "Jersey Boys" and to visit Bourbon Street and partake of it's foretold visceral and aural splendor. If I was Yoda I would weigh much less. And be green. But I do digress, I would also have but one statement to make. That would be... "Ask not what your Country can do for you, ask what you can do for your Country!" No, no, that's not it. Crapola! It is... "Excited am I! Much rejoicing shall there be. And, Robin; eat his minstrels will! And much rejoicing there was!"
Some have called me strange... and I have begged to differ. But alas, I am beginning to wonder! Perhaps they are right? No... eccentricity goes for miles Ladies and Gentlemen. Miles!
So, overall, things are going very well. I'm comfortable with my body, my life, AND my mind for the first time since I was abruptly plowed by a truck coming up on 12 loooooong years ago. Bitterness is no longer existent AT ALL in my soul! I can't even begin to tell you how good that feels. What I have learned the most since that rueful day is that you don't REALLY know the spleandor and the succor of the sweet and the evanescent wonder of the most divine pleasure... until you have suffered through the unpleasantness of the most sour and experienced the most unpleasant pain!

Thursday, February 25, 2010

This Is What I Brought You, This You Can Keep... This Is What I Brought, You May Forget Me! I Promise To Depart, Just Promise One Thing. Kiss My....

It has been QUITE SOME TIME since I did this, so I figured I had better catch you all up! I greatly enjoyed spending time with my beautiful lil' nieces and tough lil' nephews over Halloween. I was SO EMPOWERED because... although it most probably scared the everliving fuschnickens out of her, my Mother Divine said NOTHING when I picked them up and played with their gorgeous little selves. Nor did any of my family members. It feels indescribably good to be reaching the point in my recovery where people actually TRUST me... and it is rightfully warrented! That's right Ladies and Gentlemen, Eric "Eug" Evans is growing closer to the apex of his rocky road from the point he was exiled to 12 long and painful years ago, which leads him closer to THE TYPE (I NEVER want to be the same.) of man he was before. Okay, I'm gonna' attempt to steer away from all of this "present tense" talking kind of stuff. It kind of creeps even MYSELF out!
I also went home for Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays as well. It has been quite some time since I have enjoyed anything as much as watching those 4 little girls and 3 small men open up presents which, by some clandestined reason TO THEM; they had been given by thier loved ones for no apparent reason. It was just adorable! Spatnta (2nd 't'... silent!)gifted me with, as always... more than I had deserved. After all; I don't even remember the last time I was nice! THEN AGAIN; NOR DO I REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WAS NAUGHTY! I DON'T REMEMBER MUCH OF AAANNNYYYTTTHHHIIINNNGGG!!! I recieved a karaeoke machine, much cothing to cover my vast and spacious... "Tracts a' land!"- God be with Sir Monty Python! Tiger Woods Golf 2010 for the Wii, Wii Resort, a gold pocket watch, as an added addition to the "Dew rags", at the peak of which; one might say... please, if you actually know me OR my Parental Units AT ALL... make sure that you are seated! My Dad and my Mother purchased me a Bob Marley sweatshirt in the islands. THEMSELVES! Well spank me twice and call me Sally! Jahmmin' mahn. The Autobiography of Sir Gordon Matthew Sumner, entitled "Broken Music". I also ascertained the book "A Salty Piece Of Real-Estate" by Jimmy the Buffett. I recently learned the middle name of yet another musician... Mark 'Freuder' Knopfler, the lead singer of The Dire Straights. Much candy was ingested as well. And, confectionary delight galore to further crop my... "Tracts a' land!". I got a belt, some dress shoes, some slippers, and last... but certainly not least, I got fine smattering/array of different types of boxers, a.k.a. undershorts, a.k.a. skivvies, a.k.a. drawers, thongs, and edible underwear. Okay... I did not recieve the last two, but a man can dream. And; I have a dream. That all underwear has been created equal. Except for the fact that Fruit Of The Loom is the best... but I do digress!
I also had a miiiinor setback of sorts. circa 2.5 to 3 months ago, I just so happenned to break THE LATEST (and perhaps the most detrimental 2) bones in a looong procession of snapped protiene, marrow, cartilage, and the other flimsy junk that make up this "Rusty Cage", that I live within. But; "I'm gonna' break. I'm gonna break my. Gonna' break my rusty cage and RUN!" Respect Mr. Cash. Respect! Oh yeah; and, R.I.P.
And last, but not least; I got an excersize bike via a Government Grant last week. It is called the "Diamondback" recumbant bike. It's pretty rad, due to the fact that it also, along with excersize; has features designed to wash your car, bake a souffle, press a Tuxedo, give a sensual massage, fold origami swans, perform high-grade CPR, and last of all... tell your Gremlin a goodnight story. (But only if his name is or was - before he legally changed it - "Stripe"... or; I suppose "Phillup" will work as well!)
Here is enough crazy to get you by for a couple more months if necissary! I will close this by saying the same thing, honestly, that I always do. I'll try to leave an entry more often. (Isn't that somewhat of a paradox in terms? = "leave an entry?" Please Quinn L., correct me if I am wrong.) (Really guys... it DOES happen, from time to time!)
Best of luck until next time,
May your Shelley be Long and your "ning" be "shorten",
Nostradomas E. E. Evans
("I just love the fightin' Irish!")

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

When Darkness Turns To Light, It Ends Tonight, It Ends Tonight, Just A Little. Just A Little Bit!.

Well, hello one and hello all... again!
I am not dead.
Much to Joe R.'s dismay!
SSSOOO sorry for the massive intermitant pauses and gaps in my blog entries. I simply get caught up so easily and quickly on facebook. I ADORE that program/ system!
I am starting to get surrounded by a whole other froup of friends here in Cedar. James, Joe M., John, Joe R., Janna, Alyssa, Angel, Logan, and Charlie The Magnificent... juat to name a few!I am really starting to enjoy my life more and more virtually every day. With the exception of one thing. Janna gives me a whole royal butt-load of crap. More than one humble man deserves. One humble... intelligent... suave... sexy... debonair... jaw-droppingly smart; and... tough... Mind-wrenchingly funny... now, did I mention humble? Notice that memory is not anywhere on the list!
I'm leaving manana for Jackson with mi familia mucha buena. I am so frickin' stoked. I will be back on this coming Monday evening. Good luck in all for all of you. I would like to thank those who are my friends. May you be blessed enough to have as much fun as I will have! Thanks again.
Nothin' but love for you all!
Eric "Limping Pony" Evans

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Hello, Is There Anybody In There? Just Nod If You Can Hear Me, Is There Anyone Home?

Life really squeezes the wrong freakin' lemons for me at times. I was having the day from Hell on Friday until James showed up. We all went tp the store, then we prepared for a get-together. About 5-10 other people showed and we played a wild and crazy game of Texas Hold 'Em Poker. Everybody put 5 bones in a pot and it was winner take all. I tied with James' wifey for first place and we split the money in two. I love that frickin' game! Today I went to James' home to cook his boys, his wife, his sister-in-law, and himself some S&S pork for dinner. It tasted fantastic! Afterward... we just kicked it, played with the boys, and simply chatted while we took it easy! Much fun was had by all!
Eric Mohatmah Evans
Please don't forget to tip your waitress.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Because I'd Rather Feel Pain Than Nothing At All.

What a horrible freakin' day THIS has turned out to be! This morning things were going just fine, then it all hit the fan in the early afternoon. All I'll say is that it initially took place in a SUU restroom. It then moved on to a cute little Mom and Pop Chinese Resteraunt which; to circumnavigate all legal ramifications... was called "China'City'(It's actually a word that rhymes with brown.)"(It starts with a T.)(Okay; it's "China Town"!)It's for reasons like the "woman" in charge there that the oriental races have a bad name. Dang was she beasty?. Yes, yes she was. She was short enough to barely have the top of her Oriental noggin reach my adam's apple... but she MORE THAN MADE UP FOR IT in spite, hatred, PMS, and good old fashioned predgudice. Just because I'm not 3.5 feet tall, cold as ice, stuck up with a vendetta that lie in being married to a 95 pound guy that looks as if he is heavily on Crack, and just plain bitchy... doesn't give her the right to treat me like crap. She threatened to call the cops on me before I said even 1 word about not paying for the meal. I didn't want to, but I also did not want to stoop to the level of that little rice bender. Please, don't get me wrong. I am not a racist... AT ALL. Simply a realist. In my life, I've had the oppurtunity to have some black friends, brown friends, tan friends, white friends, and even some yellowish friends, but do you know what I consider them to be to me? ... ... ... EQUALS! Not one of us is, ever has been, or will be in the future better than me. Nor worse. We all have our strengths, we all have our weaknessess, that is how it's supposed to be. I would give my life for any of my good friends. Regardless of age, sex, intelligence, social status, wealth, etc., etc., etc. You see, as much as I hate to admit this; I personally know what it feels like to be discriminated against. I hope truly that aside from the uber-eccentricity and dark sence of humor it can't really be told about my afflictions. I was plowed by a truck, on the interstate. When you are disabled, people look at you like an Aamish guy gets looked at in Muslim land. You are not human anymore. Doctors use you as a test subject / pin cushion / hypothesis' breeding and testing ground, most women treat you like you cannot speak the language if you are smattered with scars and walk with a limp, prospective employers would place more value in an overgrown hampster with a slight memory deficit than with you -*Oh, excuse me... I got's to cough... acthacthascthMaverickCo.Storesacthacthacth*-(Adventure's first dip into the proud lands of embezzeling from the handicapped.), and the only people whom you can always trust are your family and a handful of buddies! Okay, I truly do apoligise for this, it's the first collective time that I've voiced my opinions on this topic in 11.25 years, and once you get that train a' rollin'!?! Have a good night. Please send my facebook, email, or my blog a message about your opinion on this stuff?
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Eric "The Wind Between Joe's Legs" Evans